Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Link roundup

1. There is no speed limit.

2. Drew Magary's column today is very funny throughout (I particularly like the discussion of new rules for field goals). Here's a sample:

Driving to work today I saw a hawk dive from the sky and pluck a rodent from the road in front of me. This got me to thinking, what if there were Giant hawks that occasionally fed on humans? I posed this question to a co-worker and he said we would kill them all. His argument was based on how terrifying it would be to be taken by a Giant hawk during your jog, the whole time knowing as your being flown to the nest you will be torn apart by the hawk's razor sharp beak, along with the occasional child being taken from the playground, combined with the sensationalized stories of those missing limbs who managed to fight off a killer hawk attack and escape that would drive mankind to wipe them out.

I feel like we would make excuses to ease our minds like "The hawk was just protecting its nest" or "The hawk mistook Jane for a deer" and "We have destroyed the hawk's natural habitat so they have no other places to go" go about treating them like bear, great white, and alligator attacks. He feels that this is impossible since the whole outdoor world would be the Giant hawk's domain and not just the woods, the sea, or southern waters. So my question is: How do you feel mankind would deal with Giant Killer Hawks?
/quickly writes terrible screenplay called DEATHHAWK

Anyway, I don't think animal rights people would let us murder all the death hawks. Instead, we would have to install some kind of national warning system for death hawks. When you go to the beach and there's a shark, they raise a red flag and you can't go into the water (when I was a kid, they also had a blue flag that signaled that there were men-o-war in the water, which scared me twice as much as sharks did).

Our national Death Hawk Watch System (DHWS) would have to operate in a similar fashion. You wake up and, before going to work, you check the DHWS to make sure there are NO death hawks spotted in your area, which means you're then free to run and frolic and have sex on the patio and what not. We could even have weathermen deliver this information, just as they do with allergy warnings. "Heavy pollen today. But some good news for you folks commuting out there. Not a death hawk in sight! So put the top down on that convertible!"

Now, if there is a death hawk sighting in your area, you will be forced to either stay inside (just as you would in inclement weather), or venture outside wearing your special death hawk-resistant birding helmet. You could even personalize it. Mine would have the Metallica logo on it.

Now, this seems like a pretty severe way of going about things when we could just shoot the %$#@! down and get back to our normal lives. But wouldn't it be kinda fun to have death hawks in our lives? It would certainly ratchet up the drama. I'd feel like a real badass racing to the drugstore during a death hawk warning. I think we need to allocate more tax funds to death hawk defense. It makes all the sense in the world.
Read on (NSFW).

3. Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins is a wrestling promoter now. (Here's the league's website.)

4. The Awl says, "We Don't Have Much Time Before Insanely Catchy Teen Pop Number From Up North Destroys All Our Brains":

(Stuck in my head, so I thought I'd share.)