Today's news and jokes

I was making a grilled cheese so I turned on text to speech to read this article. Please listen to this part https://t.co/eeUDMts9Dn pic.twitter.com/37HcKCfJHT

— greeny (@dvdfu) March 20, 2024

Quaid's mask on Mars

You kind of feel like a schmuck when you are watching ESPN and they are forcing betting lines down your throat

— Andrew Woods (@JimJarmuschHair) March 20, 2024

Shohei Ohtani has always bet on himself – and it’s about to reap huge rewards.https://t.co/dWeOtJbVjQ

— CNN (@CNN) July 11, 2023

until someone finds a fourth, then they experimented with four images only https://t.co/6WQOwrqaOQ

— zaratustra (parody account) 🍉 (@zarawesome) March 21, 2024

The romantic drama is currently looking to cast its lead for the role of a female bodybuilder

— Film Updates (@FilmUpdates) April 13, 2022

I’m free 😂 pic.twitter.com/WDEBUSofPT

— Katy O’Brian (@thekatyo) April 13, 2022

crYPTo is oNLY usED for SPeculATion https://t.co/7365Re13Vd

— Joe Weisenthal (@TheStalwart) March 19, 2024

(I keep waiting for a community note, but...)

The numbers behind Monopoly Go's marketing budget is wild: https://t.co/mHThZGHErl pic.twitter.com/fqlol2jiuB

— Zack Zwiezen (@ZwiezenZ) March 19, 2024

JUST IN: Raid pest control has signed has signed NIL deals with Duke guard Jeremy ROACH and Baylor guard Darianna Littlepage-BUGGS. pic.twitter.com/CgdP4N8NJr

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 20, 2024

James Harden contesting Kawhi’s shot. 😂😂

pic.twitter.com/OUe5kdfGEf

— Hoop Central (@TheHoopCentral) March 21, 2024

James Harden on closing out on Kawhi

Fun Team! pic.twitter.com/kZhL22aXQU

— Law Murray 🧭 (@LawMurrayTheNU) March 21, 2024

Gavin Lux gives the Dodgers the lead!

The ball went straight through Jake Cronenworth's glove 🤯 pic.twitter.com/aHnNlRk109

— ESPN (@espn) March 20, 2024

https://t.co/5mlASMO3iW impossible not to immediately imagine being laid off over Zoom by someone with the outline of this still visible behind them, despite blurring their background.

— Melvins @ UCLA 3/3/1993 (FULL SHOW) (@NoChorus) March 15, 2024

Without Robert Altman this idea doesn’t work. You got have a terrible Director choice for the material to get this to really pop https://t.co/I9g78PByci

— Jim Rot Video (@JimmFORCE) March 19, 2024

I didn’t eat proper risotto til I was nearly 30 https://t.co/PDTG3ndNDY pic.twitter.com/tvGLnSGkVN

— Matthew Fellows (@fattmellows) March 16, 2024

HOLY SHIT the further I go down the better the wifi gets. 1.3Gbps https://t.co/YDm1kOMbHm pic.twitter.com/nZateSB9Jp

— Pukicho (@pukicho) March 19, 2024

The new post-apocalyptic theme park in LA has added a BASE jumping attraction. And it's free! pic.twitter.com/0jrqLbD5ZH

— John Wiseman (@lemonodor) February 16, 2024

feeling the type of low grade diffuse anxiety that can only be solved by the purchase of a trinket

— callie actually (@eggshellfriend) February 5, 2024

The original source of the story was one of the dev team members Lucas was messing with, quoted in a 2015 Game Informer article. For some reason everybody decided to just take this story at face value, instead of picking up on the obvious subtext that this guy simply got trolled. pic.twitter.com/lKfBwcpjYw

— The Mighty Dud Bolt (@mightydudbolt) September 5, 2023

The protagonist in this trailer should absoutely be called Darth Insanius

I remember the many times you have taken care of me, and made tempting broths. 2/2/56

— Sylvia Plath's Food Diary (@whatsylviaate) February 2, 2024

my life is over pic.twitter.com/zVZ8sE7rUl

— murkus.bsky.social (@Murkus_) February 8, 2024

@swampchoppersllc Aint bad out if it wasnt for the wind #northdakota #wind #icefishing #hardwater #windyaf ♬ IM FAST AS FUCK BOI - doaflip_family

@mauesus When you fail the start on mario kart #bulldog #dog #ares #viral ♬ suono originale - Manuel Susini

*More funny posts.