Today's news and jokes

in a moment of absurd romantics, when I was 20 I was in a “long distance relationship” (girlfriend in Mason, like one hour away lmao) and one night when we hadn’t seen each other in 3 weeks I absolutely texted “I miss you. Meet me at the hell is real sign” (it worked!) (??) https://t.co/GRxnufkWAf

— Hanif Abdurraqib (@NifMuhammad) May 4, 2024

The DoJ is alleging that the vast majority of the Epoch Times revenue was obtained via blatantly criminal money laundering operations ran by its CFO. https://t.co/ixGzTTjKoM pic.twitter.com/uEnlm9TLDv

— TrueAnon (@TrueAnonPod) June 3, 2024

excuse me you're telling me the epoch times was doing fraud, no way https://t.co/E1lpT9ZZoF pic.twitter.com/7zR94aEQHh

— Josh Cain (@joshpcain) June 3, 2024

Epoch times CDO convicted of $67 million laundering is using a public defender?? pic.twitter.com/5Ac8N9YLiU

— Ranjan (@ranjanxroy) June 4, 2024

In my new role as CEO of the Epoch Times I will be introducing the ‘three newsroom’ model. There will be the newsy newsroom, the opiniony newsroom ….and the Making Money Online team …. https://t.co/uaZkZT6wQC pic.twitter.com/QJSg4XIOzF

— emily bell (@emilybell) June 3, 2024

There is literally no piece of content on any Meta app that is good or interesting enough to wait through an unskippable ad to watch. https://t.co/CAdg2wgpJx

— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) June 3, 2024

The Ventura County and Santa Barbara County District Attorney's Offices have filed a civil case against Kroger, one of the nation's largest supermarket chains, for allegedly deceptive marketing for their Carbmaster bread products. https://t.co/kirsvtSPJn

— KCAL News (@kcalnews) June 1, 2024

("In another instance, hamburger buns labeled with a note reading 'GREAT TASTE. NO REGRETS,' listed 50 calories per serving on the front, but the back label said each bun had 100 calories.")

I like how this is literally how modern historians are able to learn the contents of some lost historical works.
All copies of the book may be lost but some ancient Roman guy’s review of it preserved a fragment or two and that’s better than nothing. https://t.co/pD0cZHQuBV

— Trey the Explainer (@Trey_Explainer) June 2, 2024

Nurburgring 24 Hours organisers have explained the decision to end this year's race early after a long red flag period.https://t.co/VGwgeLhVME

— Motorsport.com (@Motorsport) June 3, 2024

("As soon as the decision against a restart was announced, the fog finally lifted for the first time in more than 15 hours") (It's in Germany)

Honestly surprised how much patience @BenMBurrows found out there is in the Caitlin Clark market.

The way people paid up, they expected her to lead the league in scoring.

After tomorrow night, she might not be in the Top 20. https://t.co/Ad6ZnkIJUG

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) June 3, 2024

i’m yours, by Henry Taylor, 2015, 📸 via @awfulannouncing https://t.co/rTsC0eES8u pic.twitter.com/4eoZmafcbA

— ArtButMakeItSports (@ArtButSports) June 3, 2024

I like how ESPNers like Stephen A and Shannon have figured out how to make money from ESPN drama off of ESPNs airwaves and on their platforms https://t.co/5fT4ljiQaS

— Gifdsports (@gifdsports) June 4, 2024

I shouldn’t have used “white bitch” as a descriptor of Caitlin Clark. No matter the context.. even if we’re talking about race being a reason for some of the stuff happening.. I have way too much respect for her and women to put that into the universe.

My intentions when saying… pic.twitter.com/F6OHB4gvYh

— Pat McAfee (@PatMcAfeeShow) June 3, 2024

with the ssn on the back 🥰 https://t.co/unOlWkYfbA

— kelin (@kelin_online) May 1, 2024

We hear bunny bounce physics are trending. Here's what we're tinkering with pic.twitter.com/aMaoANqdJZ

— Spirit City: Lofi Sessions - OUT NOW! (@SpiritCityLofi) April 30, 2024

you're not going to believe how they get them on the helicopter. it's called "sheep mugging". pic.twitter.com/eNt6kJEZTB

— Kane 謝凱堯 (@kane) May 1, 2024

@calisthenicschick I’ve been training for this moment 🦸‍♀️ #calisthenicschick #calisthenics #personaltrainer #basketball #sports #athletes #upperbodyworkoutforwomen #strongmen #strongwomen #fitness ♬ The Hills x Say It Right by GOBAITH - GOBAITH

@its.ali929 Wait For End🤣🤣🤣...#tiktok #foryou #foryourpage #funnymoments #funnyvideos #funny @TikTok ♬ original sound - Itz Ali

@pubity Warming up his beans 😎🐱 #Pubity #RoadTo15M ♬ original sound - Pubity

@rickcat78 #cat #comfort ♬ original sound - rickcat

@camimcfall #wine #calpolyslo @Gabriela Rivas ♬ hung up by madonna - 🍓

*More funny posts.