Saturday, June 21, 2014

Gawker's recurring restaurant series

Gawker has an ongoing series of restaurant reviews by Caity Weaver and Rich Juzwiak. From their review of the United Nations Dining Room:
Rich: I realized I had a knife in my bag on the way to the United Nations. It's a pocket knife—a nice one—and while I've never used it (I've never had to), I did not want to give it up. But I knew we'd be searched. I also worried about leaving it in the cab and having someone pick it up and kill someone with it. That knife is safer on me than not, but I'm not safe with it. 
I spent my last few minutes in the cab quietly regarding my knife and decided to place it in the trash underneath some other trash in the hope that when we were done, I could go back and retrieve my beloved knife that I've never used. 
Caity: Here is what I thought as I watched you (from across the street) root around in a trashcan: Why did Rich just walk over to that trashcan and start digging in it? Is he looking for cans to recycle for money? Is he looking for food? I bet Rich wouldn't want me to watch him do this. :(
Lox at The Jewish Museum:
The sandwich was kind of...hard. It was cute when you asked me, while picking at my plate (which, for the record, I invited you to do), "Got any more loose onions?" mostly because it reminded me of a time that a woman asked me, "Got any spare pants?" when I was in a parking lot of a North Philly mini-mart. "Got any more loose onions?" was my favorite part of my sandwich. 
Caity: The most confusing part of the sandwich for me was when you launched into that entertaining story about spare pants, which bore no evident relation to anything we were talking about or doing. I kept waiting for the detail that would make it all fall into place. Finally I just had to ask, "Why did you tell that story?" ("Because of the loose onions!" Oh, OK.)
Grand Central's Campbell Apartment:
Caity: It is an odd feeling to be completely alone in a restaurant. No other patrons, which is understandable for a bar at 2 pm on a Tuesday, but also: No employees. 100% alone. 
Rich: I could have taken off my offending pants and offended no one besides you. 
Caity: It felt like, if we ever tried to go back, all we'd find would be a burnt out, boarded-up elegant office/jail. "That place? Burned down 50 years ago this week." This would also explain our initial ghostly interaction with the silent, nodding waiter.
The Statue of Liberty's Crown Cafe:
Rich: We wolfed down our food and immediately rushed...back into a line. 
Caity: The line for the return ferry was EVEN MORE COMICALLY LONG than the line to get out there in the first place. It stretched for 9000 city blocks, culminating in a near perfect circle. 
Rich: A circle of hell.
The Armani Store:
Caity: When our team of three waiters brought out your soup, Lucio put down your bowl—empty but for a minuscule portion of asparagus—and exclaimed, "Here's the soup!" Then we all laughed (in Italian) and one of his assistants poured it in. 
He felt comfortable joking with us because he could tell we were low-class. It was like the scene in Lady and the Tramp when the restaurateur gives them a plate of spaghetti at a romantic table for two. "It is a funny joke to pretend you are people!" Lucio's eyes laughed.