Most guys: send noodes— sarah marie cintron (@sarahmcintron) May 2, 2018
My boyfriend: pic.twitter.com/OX02C1FyLu
my mom put oil on her bird feeder to keep squirrels from stealing the bird food and pic.twitter.com/TkrmOR4KlH— christina rotondo (@christinaroto) May 4, 2018
There’s a mysterious new gold door in my neighborhood. Farewell, forever, as I shall now open it and go through a portal to another land. pic.twitter.com/B4NZEuwRU1— Dan McQuade (@dhm) May 4, 2018
theory: everyone actually stopped saying anything about the correspondents' dinner that wasn't a complaint about it being talked about days ago but the twitter algo has us gripped in the vise of an eternal return of the same tweets (feel like I've seen the same ones a few times)— cs (@cszabla) May 1, 2018
Every pic of Julia Child look like she's the heroine in a dark comedy where she murders awful men then gleefully cooks them into fine french cuisine on a small town's morning show cooking segment & noones the wiser. pic.twitter.com/JCjfRgavg9— Cher (@thecherness) May 3, 2018
The neural network is REALLY good at these Cumberbatch-esque D&D character names. pic.twitter.com/w8LRgelLZB— Janelle Shane (@JanelleCShane) May 3, 2018
yesterday i found out sanrio has over 400 characters and i just need everyone to know about this EXTREMELY GOOD BOY named BIG CHALLENGES pic.twitter.com/OghFbyXjFF— chloi (@_chloi) May 2, 2018
— Bone Braille (@Gundroog) May 3, 2018
Wife asked Alexa to turn on the lights and I immediately barked “Alexa! Belay that order!” like I was on the Enterprise & it worked and I laughed really hard & my wife said “Jesus Christ”— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) May 5, 2018
My grandparents would douse me with holy water whenever we left the house because they figured it was like a value-brand baptism and I’d be protected for, like, long enough to go grocery shopping— Maggie Soares (@MaggieSoaresRex) May 4, 2018