When you teach a toddler how to use an allen wrench

@audlymade This morning Zachary goes, “Mom, can I go play in my room?” And me thinking nothing of it said, “of course you can!!” Found this 10 minutes later 🤣🤣 He said screw this crib, it’s time for a @Pottery Barn Kids toddler bed lol LIKE HOW IS HE STRONG ENOUGH TO UNSCREW THE BOLTS!!!!!!? Where did he get the Allen wrench?!? 😂 #toddlersoftiktok #toddlers #toddlerlife #boyswillbeboys #boymom #momlife #MomsofTikTok #momtok #parentingtips #omg #funny ♬ original sound - Audrey 🌷

"Nearly 2,300 employees have left the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services since the beginning of the year"

Houston Chronicle on how Texas protects kids:

The total number of departures, including employees who retired or were terminated, has also been climbing. In the same seven-month period last year, about 2,000 employees left; in 2018, it was just shy of 1,400. In all of 2021, about 3,500 employees left the agency — and if current trends continue, the department could see even higher numbers by the end of 2022.

Speaking of protecting kids:

An Arizona judge overseeing a high-profile lawsuit accusing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints of conspiring to cover-up child sex abuse has ruled that the church may not refuse to answer questions or turn over documents under the state’s “clergy-penitent privilege.”

Clergy in Arizona, as in many other states, are required to report information about child sexual abuse or neglect to law enforcement or child welfare authorities. But an exception to that law — the privilege — allows members of the clergy who learn of the abuse through spiritual confessions to keep the information secret.

Judge Laura Cardinal ruled on Aug. 8 that the late Paul Adams waived his right to keep his confessions secret when he posted videos of himself

A thread about roller derby

From a longer thread:

I coach junior roller derby. For the five years I've been coaching, we have welcomed trans, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming skaters. We might have been the first youth sport to do this. Here's what I've seen: (🧵)

— Nora Flanagan (@noraflanagan) March 6, 2021

Parents have openly cried when they find out there's a sport their kid can play without hiding or minimizing who they are. Literally stood in the middle of a roller rink and wept.

— Nora Flanagan (@noraflanagan) March 6, 2021

And then the coaches cry right along with them, because some of our coaches are trans, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming (and/or gay, bisexual, or otherwise non cis het), and they know a little something about feeling unwelcome in athletic and youth spaces.

— Nora Flanagan (@noraflanagan) March 6, 2021

Good news for inmate firefighters in California; The pandemic has killed at least 100 police officers; A splashy plan to unveil the vaccine

AB 2147 passed the CA Senate floor! #AB2147 will provide an expedited expungement process for formerly incarcerated people that have successfully participated in fire camps & give them the opportunity to become EMT certified. #AB2147Success pic.twitter.com/dJzTm7zTPh

— Anti-Recidivism Coalition (ARC) (@AntiRecidivism) September 1, 2020

From Police Reform to Pandemic Relief, a Roundup of Important Bills Headed to Governor Newsom’s Desk https://t.co/yriwkdDH7K pic.twitter.com/Y7QWwwXWPD

— Los Angeles Magazine (@LAmag) September 2, 2020

Website featuring illustrated book reports by elementary students; It's not a cup of tea; Russian war memorial

Would you like to read something nice? I have found a website that is a collection of book reviews by elementary school students, each headed with a child's drawing of something in the book https://t.co/TKF8F80D5g

— Susana Polo (@NerdGerhl) June 24, 2020

Not-Tea! ☕️
Feel free to use this little creature in your games! ☀️
Credit to @jonnywaistcoat for the concept! ☀️#bodyhorror #eyehorror #homebrew pic.twitter.com/0XBTVaLhIs

— cael☀️ (@kingcael) June 26, 2020

What an extraordinary war memorial unveiled in Russia today, commemorating the more then 1 million Soviet casualties of the Battles of Rzhev, one of the most brutal & overlooked stories of WWII https://t.co/w3A9ZXND3D pic.twitter.com/1tlWN2Ok3I

— Tom Gara (@tomgara) June 30, 2020

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by sequenceart (@sequenceart) on Jun 30, 2020 at 5:59pm PDT

Today's funny posts

legends say that only a construction worker who is pure of heart may retrieve it pic.twitter.com/8LX9scRXHX

— Max Q ⚡ (@Randy_Shannon) May 5, 2020

this mf said lasagana https://t.co/4BC4nSRyIi

— 📻 hipster analyst (@nailheadparty) May 6, 2020

That’s top drawer Italianing. pic.twitter.com/NuIG3R7JpR

— David Paxton (@DavidDPaxton) May 7, 2020

Teaching my compressible flow course online is giving me the opportunity to answer some long-standing questions, such as: Just how fast *is* that eagle in the @USPS logo going? Turns out, about Mach 4.9... pic.twitter.com/bICR7BUItb

— Andrew Higgins (@A_J_Higgins) April 3, 2020

Stephen A. Smith: ‘I’ve Loved Ha-Seong Kim For Years, But He Will Simply Never Be The Player Jeong Choi Is’ https://t.co/LEKnVcxd60 pic.twitter.com/ev23rZE0w0

— Onion Sports Network (@OnionSports) May 7, 2020

Drag boat racers wear “ballistic shorts” for this very reason. https://t.co/ZvgCONM3Et

“Guards against potential injuries caused by extreme water pressure”

— Tony Dew (@tonydew) May 7, 2020

OMG THIS IS CERRO GORDO, I ALMOST BOUGHT THIS TOWN https://t.co/xiRTVxIbIo

— Svea Vikander 🎀 (@SveaVikander) April 18, 2020

half of y’all were gifted kids because your parents were doing your school projects for you

— giabuchi (@jaboukie) May 6, 2020

I do not delete tweets, I create ephemeral memories for my most loyal followers

— Josh Billinson (@jbillinson) May 6, 2020

View this post on Instagram

This might be the slowest puzzle on earth. 570 pieces. All Heinz red. Tell us who you wish you could finish this with. #heinzketchuppuzzle

A post shared by Heinz Ketchup (@heinz) on May 5, 2020 at 1:15pm PDT

Here it is all done! pic.twitter.com/nSCIN1dNc3

— Brittany (@BrittanySofty) April 29, 2020

THUGLIFE...

🤣🤣🤣

by GorgeousGeorgieous./imgur. pic.twitter.com/di1eoiq3Ef

— laurent (@solivan675) May 8, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny posts

Fondly remembering the time I was told I couldn’t interview Pixar at an auto show about whether the WWII jeep character meant there was a Holocaust in the Cars universe.

— Jonathan Gitlin (@drgitlin) April 28, 2020

A Swiss pal has sent me the advice he's received from the Swiss embassy, designed for citizens in lockdown abroad.

It is PRICELESS.

I can hear him, now, yodelling through his open window 🎶 pic.twitter.com/TQVgA3umAB

— Amber Regis (@AmberRegis) April 29, 2020

tfw Mothra gave you power of attorney pic.twitter.com/hUUovvSbXQ

— the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) April 29, 2020

She straight Columbos back in

— T H E VV O R S T (@MilfParade) April 18, 2020

this how lil kids eat. just smackin n staring for no reason https://t.co/nmqcT11OD0

— woo (@handsomelyrude) April 28, 2020

The opening paragraph of Dr. Bronners' Wikipedia comes in with guns absolutely blazing pic.twitter.com/sBWyKYOFhO

— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) April 29, 2020

I love this filter so much https://t.co/zk3mETWreR

— Gita Jackson: Lilsimsie Vert (@xoxogossipgita) April 30, 2020

My gender-neutral, unsexed Puritan name is Ashes. What’s yours? pic.twitter.com/4SRLJxv2Ih

— Theo (@_theo_feo_) April 17, 2020

My quarantine anthem #usawtfm pic.twitter.com/Y6J1BDQRnD

— U.S Army WTF! Moments (@TheWTFNation) April 28, 2020

̶C̶a̶t̶ ̶f̶l̶a̶p̶ ✘
̶D̶o̶g̶g̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶o̶r̶ ✘
Bovine portal ✓ pic.twitter.com/P3CNzqdtU0

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) August 7, 2019

There are some very special little shepherds emerging in the English countryside

Piper is learning fast

(Apologies for quality of the footage) pic.twitter.com/yYr3uXEkym

— James Rebanks (@herdyshepherd1) April 30, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny posts

I toucha da birb pic.twitter.com/aFqGb5PIcD

— Klara Sjöberg (@klara_sjo) April 25, 2020

Because I want to. https://t.co/eDQVCkTPGR

— Naga Munchetty (@BBCNaga) April 25, 2020

the reason why food from restaurants tastes better is that the cooks don’t give a shit what your arteries are going to look like in ten years so they can really give you the juice. i need to eat a meal prepared by someone who doesn’t love me

— jd vance's "holler aunt" (@markpopham) April 25, 2020

did you get bullied in middle school for saying that harry styles was your favorite in one direction or are you normal

— dana hates one direction (@FINELINEDANA) April 25, 2020

They didn’t have a hoop so they improvised 🙏

(via naughty_noobie/IG) pic.twitter.com/NIhJecD18E

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) April 25, 2020

A recently added popular silly gag at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Step in the box and Cast Members applaud. pic.twitter.com/mrokaB1MHs

— bioreconstruct (@bioreconstruct) September 22, 2019

absolutely losing my mind over this post on facebook pic.twitter.com/it6eqS16td

— disco biscuit (@Suurrahhh) April 27, 2020

The 3 yo asks if he can help me cut the grass, which amounts to standing next to me shouting, “You’re doing it, Daddy! You’re doing it!” and if I’m honest that does actually help a lot.

— Michael Hughes (@michaelehughes) April 26, 2020

Innovation: For $20, Bundesliga team Borussia Monchengladbach is offering fans to put a cut out of themselves in the stands. Money raised goes to local charities. pic.twitter.com/6pPopPJf1e

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) April 29, 2020

Did you know that HJK Helsinki midfielder Mika Lehkosuo used to wear the number 96.2 as he had a sponsorship deal with a local radio station of that FM frequency

In 1998 UEFA told Lehkosuo that he couldn't wear the number 96.2 but had worn it already for a few seasons pic.twitter.com/i8FXnliMpn

— Classic Football Shirts (@classicshirts) April 27, 2020

Channel 4's Ian Katz has announced a show called 'Snoop Dogs' where you get a tour around a celebrity's home and have to guess who it is. The twist is that producers can't get access to the homes due to social distancing, so they're strapping the cameras to the celebrity's pets.

— Jim Waterson (@jimwaterson) April 29, 2020

Some news in my Discovery story: HGTV is rolling a new remotely-filmed House Hunters spinoff next month, called House Hunters LOL, in which three comedians watch and poke fun at House Hunters episodes and all your favorite tropes https://t.co/yWV4xpzGFw

— Jason Lynch (@jasonlynch) April 29, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny tweets

So today I received my airpods from Amazon . God these are huge pic.twitter.com/OKCKIpBuUV

— zay⁷ (@Al333zay) April 25, 2020

Concept Christmas cake pic.twitter.com/SLJFj1wiFm

— Holly Williams (@Holly_bops) December 24, 2019

Map shows the UK's oddest place names. Source: https://t.co/EFo3zSP9ti pic.twitter.com/pR96Oqudnn

— Simon Kuestenmacher (@simongerman600) November 29, 2019

me too lil vacuum me too pic.twitter.com/GdZawEKzSN

— anna borges (@annabroges) April 25, 2020

someone called Tiger King "redneck game of thrones" and thats truly dead on

— Matias Hannecke (@MatiasHannecke) April 12, 2020

Hey eccentric murderers, Lowe's is open and has gnome daggers in stock... pic.twitter.com/AAR4TbnIgP

— etherbrian (@etherbrian) April 25, 2020

My library has a Monster Energy tile in the front pic.twitter.com/CpZPU9HvVp

— buying a large soda cup and filling it with water (@jinpaynus) April 18, 2020

My 7 y.o. put on a suit for his class Zoom this morning. My wife told me I needed to go see it so I popped my head in to grab a pic. He was concerned I was going to interrupt him and flashed me the “I’m on a call hand signal.” It took everything I have not to bust out laughing. pic.twitter.com/lBJgkuyDRh

— Brian Kieffer (@bckieffer) April 24, 2020

My 4 year old son just came into the room and said “can I show you something that I didn’t do on purpose?”

— Declan Lawn (@DecLawn) April 24, 2020

This was the best two minutes of my life
pic.twitter.com/wYY6gjYA22

— triv 🥀 nsfr (@bedroomflicker) January 8, 2019

*More funny posts.

Today's funny posts

BOSTON. STROG. https://t.co/271RN6iKqj

— Louis Bien (@louisbien) April 21, 2020

bomboclaat pic.twitter.com/liXm13Fdnp

— 💣 (@bombantaclaat) April 17, 2020

This poster made The Name Of The Rose look like a comedy. pic.twitter.com/QaNoRmgo84

— Film Lust (@Film_lust) April 21, 2020

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

— Nate Usher (@thenatewolf) June 10, 2017

My wife asked my son if he wanted to draw another picture to stick on the window... pic.twitter.com/EVGPEYbFnA

— James McEnaney (@MrMcEnaney) April 20, 2020

Kids presented us with a written declaration of war. pic.twitter.com/DprEYqj02H

— Farhad Manjoo (@fmanjoo) April 21, 2020

The craziest Stanley Tucci fact is that he gave his college roommate, Irving, his nickname. Ving. Ving Rhames.

— mike mulloy (@fakemikemulloy) April 21, 2020

A homeopathic supervillain who commits tiny tiny crimes.

— Laurie (@TheStuffOfMemes) April 23, 2020

love that it ripple-effected all the way to the memes pic.twitter.com/PKyEem5U3O

— Wesley Burt (@wesburt) April 22, 2020

What a great ending😂 pic.twitter.com/diZDu72b7i

— Ross McCulloch (@Rossmac212) April 21, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny posts

Got some little windmills to try to dissuade Ruby and the neighbourhood cats from eating our veg. Not gone down well.@rhubarbfourpaws pic.twitter.com/A9FfP2DaVc

— Samuel Pollen (@samuel_pollen) April 18, 2020

DOROTHY: oh no my house killed someone!

GLINDA: it's ok, she sucked

DOROTHY: who are you

GLINDA: i'm a good witch

DOROTHY: ...are you sure

GLINDA: yep. now let's steal that dead bitch's shoes

— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) April 17, 2020

"Pizza Hut used to be a fairly nice sit down restaurant" is my generations version of "this all used to be farmland as far as the eye can see."

— Joseph Christ (@TheJosephChrist) April 14, 2020

There is one thing in life that all our skills and work align us towards, as the greatest ever in human history.
For me, that’s naming books.

Give me your book idea and I’ll tell you the name.

— SwiftOnSecurity (@SwiftOnSecurity) April 18, 2020

Thief of Whispers

— SwiftOnSecurity (@SwiftOnSecurity) April 18, 2020

Part of being GenX is that you don't have photographs from when you were aged 20.

— OK Zoomer (@monkchips) April 16, 2020

I love all the messages to Mikayla Pivek making the picture vibrate on the phone she is using for video pic.twitter.com/RRJn6jXZ6U

— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) April 18, 2020

“When should we open up America and get back to work?”

Debated by the only two opinions that matter:

CATS and DOGS

For @WSJ:https://t.co/QcI0BDyouz pic.twitter.com/8aLchPhTtJ

— Jason Gay (@jasongay) April 18, 2020

A balloon drop to celebrate today’s #WhatDayIsIt pic.twitter.com/RXCymqzRhF

— Todd Meany (@toddmeany) April 17, 2020

i’ve watched this at least a dozen times and it just keeps getting funnier pic.twitter.com/HcvcTDKkXG

— Sam Corbin (@ahoysamantha) April 17, 2020

2 years ago today when my brother got a job for turbo tax in 7th grade 😂 pic.twitter.com/EiaL81fYf0

— p (@paydaybryse) April 16, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny posts

Quarantine level: making my lizard a couch pic.twitter.com/2WlG8LjptD

— ♝ 𝐀𝐥𝐞𝐱𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐚 𝐁𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐩 ♝ (@aalexandriabish) April 5, 2020

Please take a moment to see what a penguin weigh-in looks—and sounds—like: pic.twitter.com/X2qZIHjZV2

— Mental Floss (@mental_floss) April 3, 2020

We really fancied going out for a burger tonight, so @Glitter_brawl suggested I build a drive-through in our kitchen, and that's exactly what I did. pic.twitter.com/bbeo1BNyIs

— Regular Frog (@FrogCroakley) April 4, 2020

When you have found the pug just retweet ok pic.twitter.com/EISxlETNmP

— ashqueen 🌻 (@yesworryya) April 3, 2020

S T A Y
H O M E. pic.twitter.com/buS1wpEONl

— DARBY ALLIN (@DarbyAllin) April 4, 2020

why did obama leave a baseball on the oval office desk

— Riker Googling (@RikerGoogling) April 4, 2020

cat pretends to eat everything his owner eats 🤣 pic.twitter.com/y2aRDXvjj4

— 𝕽𝖊𝖓.🕊️ (@eliterenno) March 14, 2020

today in teaching from home: laser training pic.twitter.com/1H05l5V1pZ

— Luke Plunkett (@LukePlunkett) March 30, 2020

Napa demonstrates the laziest game of fetch pic.twitter.com/XZhxOMWPZj

— Welcome To Nature (@welcomet0nature) April 4, 2020

Thank god for dogs pic.twitter.com/I1GbWszF8T

— sallykuchar (@sallykuchar) April 4, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny posts

Struggle is real!!! https://t.co/x618s2GoTa

— Jalen Rose (@JalenRose) April 6, 2020

Today's funny posts

I’m sorry this is naughty, but it is the first time I’ve laughed so hard in weeks 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/7J8Rs5MhR1

— Sam McAlister (@SamMcAlister1) April 4, 2020

them: "If you were really raised Catholic, then what's the Virgin Mary's coolest superpower, huh?"

me, no hesitation: pic.twitter.com/F6TEYPENey

— Tini Howard ⚔ (@TiniHoward) April 5, 2020

I don’t know why they are following the duck.... but caption this? pic.twitter.com/mXwT4yq0IP

— Science girl (@gunsnrosesgirl3) April 5, 2020

Day 13 of #lockdownpic.twitter.com/MkEkspxaeS

— S&H illustrated reports / David Ziggy Greene (@SaHreports) April 4, 2020

This is a signed photo of Nathan Lane you can buy pic.twitter.com/7D88eAQcxq

— Derek Charm (@derek_charm) April 5, 2020

I haven’t ventured outside any further than the balcony today. These 2 rooks have been about all day. We are now friends after I gave them both some of my hot cross bun! They’re very full of character! What shall I name them? Suggestions are welcomed! 😁 #TwitterNatureCommunity pic.twitter.com/G9ON2WpsIC

— The Wildlife Man (@MyWildlifePosts) March 29, 2020

Heckle has now taken to knocking on the window in the mornings to let me know he wants some breakfast! And I deliver! Heckle clearly is a very intelligent bird seeing as he’s trained me to provide food on command! 😆 @SIBirdClub #TwitterNatureCommunity pic.twitter.com/wRG9TPUvm3

— The Wildlife Man (@MyWildlifePosts) April 3, 2020

Choosing your quarantine character 🍾👏😂

pic.twitter.com/tgsQfH1ZIZ

— Danielle Baskin (@djbaskin) April 5, 2020

my fav thing on tik tok is now finding celebs kids. here’s daniel dae kim’s son 😭 pic.twitter.com/8ASnWNBbTU

— Sarah⁷ (@SarahxAnwer) April 4, 2020

Day twelve of lockdown; old rivalries have been put aside in the interests of getting along. pic.twitter.com/rDQfIs9cZK

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) April 4, 2020

*More funny posts.

Today's funny tweets

I seem to live with a Japanese cartoon. pic.twitter.com/RqhjucEgV1

— Dan Owen (@djo1) March 23, 2020

Teamwork part II 😃
pic.twitter.com/4wLYzKYD6G

— World of Engineering (@engineers_feed) March 25, 2020

Fucking nailed it. pic.twitter.com/wAeUJzQq6e

— Tashy McTashface (@TashP351) March 25, 2020

when you're in a group facetime and you're not contributing just kind of listening... that's a podcast

— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) March 25, 2020

Also, I met an influencer dog having his photo taken pic.twitter.com/wCr7EMjIRH

— Laura J. Nelson 🦅 (@laura_nelson) March 25, 2020

There was a herd of bison walking right toward me at @YellowstoneNPS today! pic.twitter.com/sdrBvojpwF

— Deion Broxton KTVM (@DeionNBCMT) March 25, 2020

Here's the video of the bison I shot once I got a safe distance away lol pic.twitter.com/uL3XiR2ISR

— Deion Broxton KTVM (@DeionNBCMT) March 26, 2020

Is there such a thing as a dystopiary? A really dark plant sculpture?

— Pinboard 😷 (@Pinboard) March 25, 2020

WFH Pro-Tip: If you drink from a transparent glass on a conference call, everyone can see your mouth open, distorted, through the glass, and you look like a fish. Use a non-transparent water bottle or mug instead.

— Chris Charla (@iocat) March 25, 2020

How I go straight from dinner to cake. (This is the original video posted by it's original creator!) pic.twitter.com/UAP2a8OhuD

— Joseph's Machines (@josephsmachines) May 14, 2018

Backcountry rangers at Lake Clark: social distancing since 1980. In lieu of other humans, backcountry rangers have the opportunity to make all kinds of animal friends, some of them are most unexpected. What's a new delight you've noticed while stay at home these days? pic.twitter.com/I6NHRq3Tm3

— Lake Clark NPS (@LakeClarkNPS) March 23, 2020

*More funny posts.

Ten funny tweets

Pray for the zoo animals in this time of crisis. I mean, they're getting really well taken care of, but they're also living through an era of zookeepers saying, "Y'know what? Fuck it, lets just show them each other!" pic.twitter.com/DazZP88322

— 🌟 Stiffler 🌟 (@FindChaos) March 22, 2020

get yourself a man who looks at you the same way q looks at picard trying to solve a problem pic.twitter.com/4Q0LvsJLQh

— ▀▀▀▀▀▀ (@immolations) March 23, 2020

He likes his tummy rubbed?! I’ve never met a cat who likes that. Every cat I’ve ever known would tolerate ONE TO ZERO TUMMY PETS before TOTAL HAND ANNIHILATION. This dude fell asleep while I was petting his tummy. pic.twitter.com/86CpWx3W6R

— Lucy Knisley (@LucyKnisley) March 22, 2020

I’m a FAN of this employee of the Melbourne Zoo and his work on the live cam. I added “Rasputin” by Boney M for added sass. pic.twitter.com/iIdazdkfkX

— Darienne Lake (@dariennelake) March 21, 2020

This pre k Zoom meeting with 22 four year olds is not very productive, but it’s super duper cute. 💕 pic.twitter.com/aoBXjTwGOw

— Lindsay Kaplan (@lindsaykap) March 23, 2020

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 22, 2020

Recording this week’s show (well, I closed the closet doors while I read my narration). @ThisAmerLife pic.twitter.com/SrTO0hsgyz

— Ira Glass (@iraglass) March 22, 2020

just found a shop called maximum chonk and I want every chonky bestie now pic.twitter.com/USe7TQ88TW

— CAN I PET THAT DAWG?? (@anygirlfriday) March 23, 2020

When her human is busy, Taika entertains herself. Clever girl. #QuarantineActivities pic.twitter.com/D6CJ64wKEB

— Trevor Donovan (@TrevDon) March 21, 2020

so helpful of my dog to put the chair under my feet, love him to death pic.twitter.com/qGGuz4MgME

— bob burger and his wife (@monsterrats) March 21, 2020

*More funny posts.

This is an outstanding story about the best and worst jobs in kindergarten class

bc i was 5 and had no concept of time i'd ask every single day if it was my turn to be line leader. to be fair every child in the class asked this question every day except for lauren f. bc lauren f. was chill (i am still friends w/her to this day).

— internet jew (@tashakaminsky) March 16, 2020

finally my time arrived. my teacher gave me the heads up that next week i would be the line leader. i put together this highly professional gingham skirt and embroidered cherry blouse ensemble and shiny black mary janes. my style has always been flawless for the record.

— internet jew (@tashakaminsky) March 16, 2020

silent reading time is going well. i'm in a beanbag plotting how i'm going to just blow my teacher away with how i lead this line. going through a lot of emotions. feeling nervous. what if i mess up? how am i going to really set myself apart from all the other line leaders?

— internet jew (@tashakaminsky) March 16, 2020

the class screams. i keep puking. it just doesn't stop. my teacher is dry heaving too. she presses that intercom button and the front office asks what's up and she's like my student has vomited everywhere and i don't know how to get these kids to recess without tracking puke.

— internet jew (@tashakaminsky) March 16, 2020

Click through for the rest.

Ten funny tweets

Heehee https://t.co/t9a2fj2nnj
なんかほのぼの見てしまったw pic.twitter.com/RvAawDMHAA

— ヤギの人（手洗い） (@yusai00) January 24, 2020

Excellent photo choice. https://t.co/pwtxLhiovd

— Ankit Panda (@nktpnd) March 14, 2020

My son's laugh whilst watching his favourite show should help lift the gloom on a particularly shitty news day. pic.twitter.com/KKxumSA65J

— cluedont (@cluedont) March 12, 2020

Bath time after he tromped through the fireplace ashes after I accidentally left the screen off for 3.9 seconds. pic.twitter.com/kkpOAGnx9U

— Philip Morgan (@Philip_Morgan) March 14, 2020

I’m beginning a collection of signs that give off an ominous horror energy pic.twitter.com/6N9zB4RKWw

— oh, possum! (🏳️‍⚧️ rights!!) (@Ryallin) March 12, 2020

pic.twitter.com/PaLQTBrsvj

— The Jewish Pope (@DylanNelkin) March 6, 2020

鯉に触りたい猫 pic.twitter.com/xmFyJ0tk3V

— もふねこ同好会 (@mofnekoclub) January 16, 2020

I'm feeling scared too, so here is a picture of my brother Jenkins. He will protect your timeline with his majestic legs. pic.twitter.com/t5VX4oqx75

— Tilly Steele (@TillySteele) March 13, 2020

Omg you’ll love this one pic.twitter.com/eDHC9p7DAw

— Gabs🌻 (@Gxbriellemxry) March 13, 2020

*More funny posts.

Ten funny tweets

He really autographed the defender's shirt after scoring. @terrellowens would be so proud 🤣

(via gorillajayy/IG) pic.twitter.com/ueiUluNFaP

— B/R Gridiron (@brgridiron) March 9, 2020

Ughhh not ONE woman on this list. DO BETTER, FBI #FugitivesSoMale https://t.co/MuJcto7geF

— kim caramele (@kimcaramele) March 10, 2020

glad you think its sexy- it only happened bc rian broke the steadicam https://t.co/kByXbTPU8e

— Knives Out (@KnivesOut) March 11, 2020

Braves playing “I saw the sign” for the Astros while they warm up is legendary pic.twitter.com/fXJxBeScIk

— Eric Hubbs (@BarstoolHubbs) March 11, 2020

It's so round! https://t.co/vh8MJta0wx pic.twitter.com/KliAvkzjME

— Trevor Basset (@trevorbasset) March 10, 2020

Disney's release strategy here makes no sense. Shouldn't they release a Paul McCartney documentary first, see if there's an audience for it, and then release John Lennon and George Harrison docs a year or two later to build anticipation for the team-up? https://t.co/g3cvMrDyaL

— Noel Murray (@NoelMu) March 11, 2020

“Fuck this stick”
- Zdeno Chara pic.twitter.com/1f8mPdGNx2

— Feitelberg (@FeitsBarstool) March 11, 2020

I do not want to admit how long I thought it maybe had something to do with Dragonlance. https://t.co/g29nYnoIVw

— Kingfisher & Wombat (@UrsulaV) March 10, 2020

Tennis Instructor Mentoring Young Player Sees Potential In Parents’ Income https://t.co/2tCUYTMHFp pic.twitter.com/UhqR0FyVuf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 9, 2020

Jeremiah’s first match 🤣🤣😭 pic.twitter.com/QV9wbZ3FJv

— MK🧘🏾‍♀️ (@___makeda) March 8, 2020

*More funny posts.

Ten funny tweets

I just discovered in 2016 scientists gave a parrot protective goggles and it’s the best thing I’ve seen all day pic.twitter.com/zx8oVgqBOy

— Digital Duck (Max B.) (@digital_duck) March 5, 2020

The best highlight of student teaching at elementary so far: recess duty.

Today, some 4th graders challenged me to a race & I beat them all. They scheduled a match for me to race the fastest 4th grader.
I am terrified.

— Mr. Ben Montero (@MrBenMontero) March 4, 2020

why they write oat milk like it’s a slur??😭 pic.twitter.com/GZZdrygK6T

— kyle (@kyle4prezident) March 3, 2020

quite possibly the best meme ever pic.twitter.com/IhpQH7WDJS

— mindy🌷 (@lil_yenta) March 5, 2020

One of my favourite examples of how people react to economic incentives:

Architectural tax avoidance👇
🇬🇧 UK : tax on windows
🇻🇳 Vietnam: tax on frontage
🇫🇷 France: tax on floors (roof exempted)
🇧🇷 Brazil: tax on church construction (when finished) pic.twitter.com/35oAcgIFV0

— Lionel Page (@page_eco) February 20, 2020

These are the reflexes of a man that can finish what Corn Pop started pic.twitter.com/UP64cOnwZa

— the posting menace (@meohmyapplepie) March 4, 2020

This is so inspiring pic.twitter.com/cXdNK4BhZX

— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) March 6, 2020

a chair in our conference room had a sign on it saying I AM BROKEN! I CANNOT SUPPORT YOU! but the staff kept stealing it and wearing it so they made a new sign that just says DON'T SIT

— MARC in a Cold Climate (@marccold) March 4, 2020

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one pic.twitter.com/4bQyfIntoI

— ➰ (@animesvns) March 4, 2020

A bashful young wombat trots up to you...
Your day improves. pic.twitter.com/D6eaBKfcgc

— Dick King-Smith HQ (@DickKingSmith) March 6, 2020

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