Wife: [on the phone] the new alarm code is our anniversary.— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 23, 2018
Me: got it.
[22 secs later]
ADT: ma’am the alarm is going off at your house is everything ok?
Wife: no it is not.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 23, 2018
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
When the design team loses a debate with the legal team. pic.twitter.com/oYTnvNVqQ0— Martyn Reding (@martynreding) August 21, 2018
As a kid and teen any time I got in trouble my father would say, “One day I will send a collector for everything you’ve done. And believe me mijo, you will pay for it all.”— Jorge R. Gutierrez (@mexopolis) August 22, 2018
The day my son Luka was born my father smiled with tears and said to me, “Mijo, my collector is here.”
Once in college I was walking home after work and a philipino lookin dude rolled by in a mitsubishi lancer rolled his window down and said “my man get in let’s go street racing” and I didn’t and to this day it’s my biggest regret— yusef roach (@yusefroach) August 22, 2018
You were warned pic.twitter.com/bHxKaxwebT— Pinboard (@Pinboard) August 23, 2018
“May the Macedonian that takes over your account after you die be funny” - ancient Twitter salute— Pablo Hidalgo (@pablohidalgo) August 23, 2018
I put my life on the line so my girl can have the perfect photo LMFAO!!! 😂💀📸🔥 pic.twitter.com/Gp81Pbx20j— nate ontiveros 𓅓 (@NATEGAWD) August 23, 2018
Toyota lady is definitely a Terminator, right? She’s a Terminator.— Drew Magary (@drewmagary) August 23, 2018
My ideal X-Men movie is 90 minutes of this deleted scene from Apocalypse where weird teens just hang out in a mall pic.twitter.com/KSfdG7OfTX— Tristan Cooper (@TristanACooper) August 23, 2018