Shoutout to the man sitting next to me on the 1 train who was reviewing a D&D character sheet on his phone for a bard named "Lavender Xtravaganza"— Carter McKendry enjoys that thing you hate (@cmckendry) August 24, 2018
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said "wow" in a dramatic disappointed voice— Al Shipley (@alshipley) August 24, 2018
Why is this so funny to me pic.twitter.com/EaF8LgnHx1— Über Anne 💙 (@Uber_Anne) August 25, 2018
My bf offered me chips & I let out a HUGE gasp bc I thought he found the chips I hid for myself. Then I realized this was a diff brand & tried to play it off like I was just rly touched but he immediately recognized the true nature of the gasp & now he’s lookin 4 the chips I hid😭— Caity Weaver (@caityweaver) August 27, 2018
when someone you really don't like/who doesn't like you posts a selfie, comment like 'oh i have that same top :D 'that way you've ruined it for them— Leigh Alexander (@leighalexander) August 26, 2018
The greatest Egyptian magical realism in the news this week: Egypt's electricity ministry cut off power at the water ministry building because it hasn't paid it's bills. So the water ministry disconnected the water at the electricity ministry.— Tom Gara (@tomgara) August 25, 2018
genie: you have three wishes— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) April 15, 2018
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
When you fuck up washing a spoon. pic.twitter.com/F0DJQkMIDa— Mike (@rses_) August 20, 2018
Overjoyed pic.twitter.com/Bwy0S5oCYr— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) August 26, 2018
people who say "it's never been this bad" forget about how that eagle was soaring in 2002 https://t.co/tBY2NIAJ0l— The Mountain Goats (@mountain_goats) August 27, 2018