did you know you only use 10% of your brain. god uses the other 90% to mine bitcoin— ben esposito (@torahhorse) March 18, 2019
.@kemc sent me the best alpaca craiglist ad of all time:— Anne Helen Petersen (@annehelen) March 17, 2019
"They ride in the car just fine. Great lawn mowers. Not mean, but not friendly either."https://t.co/UGMPOzFFQo
ahahaha at the refinery where i used to work, the giant obnoxious local ravens imitated the coughs of the smokers around the smoke pit— Premee (@premeesaurus) March 15, 2019
like someone would cough behind you and you'd turn and see one of them perched there going 'hurr hurr hurr' because you fell for it https://t.co/XEkolqR0nu
Just found out my Mum is actually Daniel Day Lewis preparing for a role— Laura (@fairycakes) March 16, 2019
[Hell]— St. Patlettuce (@newLettuce) March 11, 2019
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!
Me: Neato! I'm a glutton for punishment
Demon: ... *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Major League Baseball’s Korean marketing campaign is incredible pic.twitter.com/8uSPLZM7wg— Jason Koebler (@jason_koebler) March 17, 2019
my GI Joe code name is THIN ICE™ and I drive a big zamboni that shoots one missile and one net. You will be sure to find me wherever Cobra takes to the rink! I had a husky named HAT TRICK™ but he died when their hockey guy shot him with a puck gun— Dollars Horton Official (@crushingbort) March 17, 2019
Greatest bad guy movie death scene of all time pic.twitter.com/osXp6b634u— Vanessa 🌮 (@ilovejohnkimble) March 17, 2019
anyways look at cute photos of my dog from this weekend, he was born with a disorder called iris hypoplasia so he has to wear doggles when it’s sunny out pic.twitter.com/dkQCGRs9gO— Calvin (@calvinstowell) March 19, 2019
*More funny tweets.