The thing I hate about fireworks isn’t that they scare my dog so much as they force me to confront the fact that my dog is 100% willing to use me as a human shield in moments of danger.— Moira Donegan (@MoiraDonegan) July 4, 2019
Today I took yearbook photos of my fish pic.twitter.com/KkNz9jqqq9— Alec Ploof (@AlecPloof) August 26, 2017
Just overheard someone say “You’re preachin’ to the head of the choir” which is not the expression. Like, even in this metaphor you give yourself a promotion to be the most important person?— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) July 4, 2019
Fortunately when mad magazine folds it will reveal a hilarious picture.— James Colley (@JamColley) July 4, 2019
check out this retro twitter app pic.twitter.com/8eKDN57RIy— James Colley (@JamColley) January 27, 2017
Ariel is bringing out a lot of economic anxiety.— Michelle Bhasin (@michellebhasin) July 4, 2019
The most impressive Force power is showing up as late as possible to a meeting, and ending it while getting the last word pic.twitter.com/SuwpXkbuHo— Pablo Hidalgo (@pablohidalgo) July 5, 2019
— V̸͞͞ ̧͞I͘ ̷͟C̷͏͘͞ (@viczillalives) July 5, 2019
me: *breathlessly* I need a copy of to kill a mockingbird right fucking now— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) July 4, 2019
librarian: what’s the big hurr-
[a giant winged shadow darkens the doorway]
And yes I released him safe & sound to a new home with lots of wormies to eat 🐛 pic.twitter.com/QQaMxgRChz— maura (@painthands) July 4, 2019
*More funny tweets.